The Adventures continue

In just over three weeks I shall be returning to Canada after an 8 month sojourn home...

This is a bold adventure in some ways but also a trip to familiar pastures in others. It is familiar in that I will be staying with some of the wonderful friends I've made out there, attending church as normal, supporting youth activities, and helping out at day and residential camps (pretty much your average summer in Alberta). I will also be house-sitting for friends who will be going away for their annual vacations and so I will have a certain amount of independence too.

The boldness can be seen in that, while I am well provided for in terms of activities and accommodation, I have very little finance to support me while I'm out there. In fact I have yet to purchase my homeward flight! The past 8 months have been a time of wilderness for me as I struggled to come to terms with life back in the UK, the sudden change in environment, the loss of independence, the huge struggle with obtaining employment (and subsequent issues arising from that) and a sense of displacement. Spiritually I must confess to have been angry with God for this change and while I returned in obedience to what I sensed was His will, it was with a certain amount of reluctance and impatient anticipation for the "next step". I wrestled rather than rested and have come to realise that I needed this time to restore my strength, my faith and my focus. I have always searched for a place to belong in places and people rather than God. It was during a week-long conference with a group called International Christian Youthworks a couple of weeks ago that I finally crashed out and gave it all to God in humble submission. Ironically I was there to see if I could potentially join them. It turned out to be more about what they could do for me. They were a great bunch of people with a big heart for God, for youth and for each other and they really poured into me as though I was already part of their "family".

Since then I have found a greater peace and a deeper understanding about what these past 8 months have been about. I have confessed where I went astray, received forgiveness and restored hope in my heart. I have realised that I need to return to Canada to, if anything, put closure on it. Or if a new season is to unfold out there to embark on it with a fresh heart and a groundedness that I lacked during the final months last time. I am still passionate about working with the youth and church out there but this comes second to seeking God. This probably sounds all very "Christian-ese" but it's the only way I can communicate what's been going on in my life and it feels right to share it with you.

I cannot begin to describe what the past 8 months have been like. Desert. Wilderness. I've been present but not really here like it's been one hazy kind of dream. Does this sound crazy? Every time I've reached out to try and shake it off in my own strength I've not succeeded. I've battled with things from my past that were not dealt with, I've battled with my own sense of identity and now, finally, peace is restored, God is back in the Pilot's seat and I'm happy to let Him take control.

And now ahead of me lies another adventure. It's pretty much sorted but still my heart is anxious. The practical human side of me thinks this is crazy to return: I haven't exactly been in a position to earn a great deal over here and have some but not much money in reserve over there. Yet I feel God is telling me to go in faith. And there was me thinking that I was crazy the last time I went back after the 2 week break in 2007... At least I had the prospect of a work permit and income. This time is much different because there is no job, no work permit and while I only expect to be there for up to 3 months max, no flight home at the other end as yet. Go in faith, go in faith. How do people do this?? Don't get me wrong, I have some times of serenity and peace when I leave it all in God's hands but then the human side takes over and wonders if I'm missing something - a job offer over here maybe, or a chance to get settled, or an opportunity that falls in the middle of when I'm supposed to be away. This is uncharted territory here requiring much faith...