Let's play the values game...

No, not the one my coach gave me about the 15 top values we all live by (although it's a great exercise to do) But the one that makes you think of the things you value the most.

I'll give you a scenario. Two people have access to one car. One person needs to go visit an elderly friend who is blind and housebound and often lonely. The other needs to go to the stores to return some goods and pick up some others. Who should have priority? The one visiting the elderly, right?

Okay so this particular scenario did occur but with a little more factors affecting it. The one who needs to go to the stores is the owner of the car. The other one is only borrowing it to run errands while the other doesn't need to use it. So the owner should have priority because they are paying the bill. But in the bigger scheme of things the value of the tasks differ greatly. One is self-serving (shopaholic), the other is serving others (pastoral). Unless, of course, you consider the self-serving to be vicariously serving others through the pastoral.

Either way, I'm drawn to consider why it is that in this part of the world (North America and probably Europe too) we spend so much time making money and spending money in the great pursuit of happiness. Does it honestly make us feel happier? From what I've witnessed these past few weeks it does not. I've seen someone spend so much money each day on items in the house and in the garden but at the end of the day the happiness is short-lived. Each day turns into a vicious cycle of momentary peace, then the discovery of something out of place, then the desperate attempt to fix it followed by a massive rearrangement that subsequently becomes another trip to the stores and then more rearranging.

Meanwhile I spent some time visiting with a 93 year old and came away feeling so completely blessed by her company and pleased that I could bring a little light into a person's day.

So it's really simple. What do you value the most - spending money or spending quality time?

I don't deny that spending money isn't fun, and when you're serving people who have money the perks outweigh the bind of the tasks.

But still, in my heart of hearts I am content with less and would far rather spend quality time. And you really don't need money to have a good time!

I yearn for people in this continent to slow down, take time and enjoy life for its simplicities. Reject the control money has over you. It will NEVER satisfy. Stop thinking in terms of progress and change and start thinking in terms of moments, beauty, stillness, and all the things we're often too busy to notice. Turn your back on the temptation to improve and perfect things. Perfection is a state of mind but not necessarily an achievable reality.

If you're a Christian who is ensnared in this crazy paced lifestyle, what are you running from? Why are you striving to fill a gap that can only be filled with your one true Saviour? Let go of the control. Cease striving. God already knows what you need before you even thought of it.

And one for me - stop trying to justify your existence through service. Your existence is for a purpose and that may only be revealed to you in the quiet times and/or desert places.
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On board flight BA103 to Calgary

So, after that amazing crisis of confidence I sucked it up, packed, boarded the plane and headed to Calgary. Magical flight - dancing in cloud city, levelling out above the rain clouds with blue sky above and rippling white below. Stunning. West of Iceland I decided to spend some time enjoying the moment and absorbed myself with the panorama. I could see a line of what I thought was cirrus but could have been another jet's trail across from us. Then we cruised through our own little line of cirrus and as I looked across at the wide open sky I thought I saw another aircraft flying parallel with us about 20 miles away. I blinked a couple of times to see if it was still there. It was. But I couldn't see any wings. I tilted my head but still it remained oblong. Engines? I'm not sure. It was gradually flying away from us - it felt as though we were overtaking it gradually. I couldn't squint any further so I rested in the knowledge that it was probably another jet. But in the back of my mind I wondered... Maybe it was a UFO. Either way, I consider it a holy moment, reminding me that God is with me always - even up here in on my way to Calgary. With so many doubts racing in my mind this was a moment of peace.

However it didn't last. Well the spiritual peace lasted but my physical peace was disturbed by the onset of a headache around Greenland. This continued for the rest of the flight and was added to by a nasty stomach ache. Thus my arrival in Calgary wasn't quite as joyous as I thought it might be. In fact it was miserable. My heart did leap a little at the sight of Calgary but my stomach was in agony and so my reaction was toned down more out of self-preservation...

But I was in Calgary. I had made the trip.

crisis of confidence...

Just had a reality check from a friend and professional mentor about the Canada trip, which then turned into a serious contemplation of where my goals have gone and whether they took all my drive and motivation with them...

I can honestly say that I am seriously having second thoughts about the Canada trip. I don't mind confessing this now. It's only 4 more sleeps until I depart and while this is normally the time I get the strongest jitters that account for the majority of this lack of confidence, my friend's words dug deep. Where is my life going? For how long will I have to depend on my parents until I get the wherewithal to gain some independence? Is it really fair that they should invest in my dreams now that I'm 29? What happened to those dreams and goals? Where is my drive and motivation? What is it that motivates me?

The clean slate has its pitfalls...

This trip is going to cost too much money that I don't even have, take more risks than I'm willing to bare, and put my life on hold for more than I'm comfortable with... UNLESS the outcome is bigger than any of that. And for that I trust God. But in the forefront of my mind I am wondering if God is actually asking me to use the common sense He endowed me with and STAY HOME.

If Canada was as important to me now as it was a year ago there would be no question in my mind as to what to do: take the flight and go see what's there. But Canada isn't. I love the people dearly, but my life has moved on. I'm not sure where it's moved but it's moved. I've rediscovered my passion for aviation, realising that it is a huge part of me. Sure, I should take the flight and bring closure to that season of my life if this is the case. But where next? I've got a student loan to repay, a credit card bill that is about to be maxed out and no job or prospects (aside from a Saturday job that I just relinquished in favour of the Canada trip). So why do I do this? It's bordering on insanity. I've only just begun to feel more at home and less displaced and what do I do? Travel to Canada and probably make it worse again.

Today is a crisis of confidence day.

But having read Psalm 73 I do feel a sense of focus returning and the spiritual influence restored. Sometimes God shows us that the path that He wants us to take is often the most illogical one, and the reason why He chooses it is often to frustrate the wise and the corporeal-minded. I guess I'm looking at things from a worldly point of view today. The disappointed look that my friend gave me when I told her I was returning to Canada still haunts me. She is the one who believed in me when I didn't (and still does believe in me). Admittedly she bought me the ticket home because she felt Canada was holding me back from my true potential. Perhaps she is right...