Feels like I'm officially back in the land of the living. It's strange because nothing's changed in terms of my employment. I'm still at the airfield one day a week, occasionally more when the shifts are available. I'm still getting phone calls from Temp agencies offering me minimum wage call centre jobs or admin assistant jobs or part time jobs, all of which are decent enough but don't exactly provide me with the greatest amount of security. I got an interview for the admin assistant job, did pretty well (I felt) but wasn't offered the position because I was over-qualified. Normally this would hit me pretty hard. After all, there are only so many rejections one can take. I did get a little upset, but picked myself back up again and carried on as normal.
But things feel different now. Not as dark. More energy. One reason I know is that I've felt more at home in the church I now attend. I've also begun doing more youth work again and the inspiration has returned. I'm brimming with ideas once more whereas before I was an empty shell wondering how I did what I did back when my life was fully focused on youth ministry. It feels so good! Is this finally where I'm supposed to be? I'm almost not so bothered by the kind of work I do as a day job now, as long as I have time and energy for the youth work. I guess I have more hope now: hope for the future. I didn't know what to ask God for but I was resisting the words of Jeremiah 29:11-13 because they're so over-used now. I was then shown the words again and, cornered, was asked "do you truly believe this?" I confessed that I did once but now it seemed sort of a cruel tease. I felt bad for no longer believing it and in my desperation cried out for God to restore my hope. He did. Peace was also restored.
Since then I've been happy to roam about the job sections without that weight of gloom, but also with a renewed sense of purpose. Needing something to occupy my time and sensing that perhaps I should do more for missions I looked at the CLC website to see what the latest news was in the Christian retail industry. I've always got a passion for their work and though it's all mission-based and therefore voluntary it's something I feel strongly about. Having rediscovered hope I felt less anxious about giving my time without financial reward. I noticed that my old haunt in Canterbury was looking for staff and wondered if I should commit some time to them once more. So I travelled in today and chatted with my old boss, Paul, and he mentioned that they were ideally looking for full time staff. Full time wasn't going to work, nor was part time this side of Christmas.
But something else he mentioned piqued my interest. A huge need was currently in the warehouse, based in Aylesbury. With the demise of a major distributor of books comes an opportunity for CLC to take on some of the distribution, which means expanding the warehouse. Already they're experiencing a huge increase in demand from both publishers and customers and as such desperately need order pickers and packers. Immediately I knew I could help fill some of this need. Logistically and financially it makes no sense because I'll have no income from this and consequently no way of living. Since I'll have to move nearer the area it would appear to be a ridiculous notion to even contemplate it. And yet, I feel so compelled to offer my services. How do the full time staff do it?? They surely must exist on prayer alone some days. That challenge, in itself, is enough to make me drop everything and go. Alas, my practical side tells me that it's not at all wise, not to mention that I'd miss the youth work I'm now involved in. And deep down I know God loves that I desire to help out, even if it's not His desire that I actually do the thing I'm passionate about (which is, in this case, moving 200 miles west for a job that doesn't pay...)
At the end of the day, as I sit here and take stock of what's been going on over the past year, I'm just thrilled that I've turned a corner and can feel such passion and motivation once more. I've rediscovered my wings. The aircraft is out of the hangar with a shiny new coat of paint and an engine overhaul, ready to get airborne. I had this image in my head last year but never truly realised it. Today I can safely say that it is here. I may not be airborne just yet but everything is starting to come together.
Yay!
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