Random nothings

My life seems slower these days. I had hoped to maintain a fast pace since returning from Calgary, ensuring that I don't get dragged into the 'pit' I seemed to wallow in last year. But it's hard to do when you go from a fast running stream to slow flowing molasses. That is the best metaphor that can describe what it is like here. Mostly it is the lack of full time job. I'm doing bits and pieces, and a lot of stuff if you list it, but it doesn't fill a day, nor does it earn much money. I had an interview within a fortnight of coming home. It was unsuccessful. Since then I've applied to, on average, 3 jobs a week. I've registered with several agencies. Job prospects are slim. It is very hard to maintain a positive attitude in this environment. No money, few jobs, big debts, and little chance of upward mobility. Hearing "lack of experience", "applications are at the interview stage already", "unsuccessful at this time" is becoming a daily event. And I'm tired. So very tired. Yet my days are so uneventful. I miss the morning commute. I miss the sense of purpose that a full time job gives me. I'm done with seeking fulfillment in small things. The era of small things was last year. Last year was my wilderness. I returned to Calgary to regain some clarity and I returned home with it. But where has it gone? Life seems to send me round in circles. Am I growing here? A wise person once told me not to remain in a place where I wasn't growing, even if that meant being away from a place of comfort. I thought I left that place behind when I left Canada. But I'm not growing here either. Growing fatter, maybe. I seem to have returned to the same place I left in June. I thought I'd returned a changed person. But I have come full circle and again the dredge and grind of my lesser existence here has overcome me.

And still I hear of bankers getting huge bonuses, living a reality that is so far removed from mine and 95% of the world. I watch footballers who play maybe 2 or 3 games a week earning more per game than I could ever imagine earning in 10 years. I hear musicians sing songs that have such offensive, uninspiring lyrics, but because it has a good beat and/or melody, or because the person singing/rapping/yelling released a good song in the past, the song becomes hugely popular and makes them another rich, iconic person to add to the multitudinous celebrities we all need more of... I see mainstream newspapers that read more like commentary and opinion than report, presuming the nation agrees with their biased discourse. It's an assumption that has made Britain an ugly place to live, where it is acceptable to publicly scorn Christianity and yet grossly racist to publicly scorn the beliefs of other religions. Just because Britain's era of "Christendom" has passed does not mean that you have leave to openly rebuke it. How quickly do you forget your heritage, oh England. You may not embrace it, but it is who you are.

When I hear the words of a popular Robbie Williams song, "Bodies", singing "Jesus didn't die for you, what are you on" over the radio many times a day I realise this country no longer welcomes me as its own. Who can stand such insult? And when I read a columnist from the Daily Telegraph take cheap shots at a major figure in the world of Christian song writing for the sake of a quick laugh, I see that Britain is no longer Great. I feel no patriotism when I see the cross of St George because the significance of that symbol has faded, much like the concept of Christendom itself. And yet the sacrifice referred to in that cross is being lived out on a daily basis by our troops serving abroad. Do they serve for Queen and country? For the flag? For the liberty of mankind? Their presence in the Middle East, while initially for noble causes, is now the reason our country's security is under such threat. That said, I support them in their endeavours.

But, alas, my passport may be British but I have no citizenship here. Not while the core of my being is constantly under attack from mainstream culture.

As the world turns upside down what difference can I make? Do I take a stand for my beliefs? Do I stick my head above the parapet and make myself a target for people's accusations and anti-religious criticism? Do I challenge the acceptance of mainstream? I must. Otherwise the very essence of my being is nullified. No more the silent onlooker, the one who turns the other cheek. Stand for what is important or be trampled by the tidal wave of overbearing culture.