crisis of confidence...

Just had a reality check from a friend and professional mentor about the Canada trip, which then turned into a serious contemplation of where my goals have gone and whether they took all my drive and motivation with them...

I can honestly say that I am seriously having second thoughts about the Canada trip. I don't mind confessing this now. It's only 4 more sleeps until I depart and while this is normally the time I get the strongest jitters that account for the majority of this lack of confidence, my friend's words dug deep. Where is my life going? For how long will I have to depend on my parents until I get the wherewithal to gain some independence? Is it really fair that they should invest in my dreams now that I'm 29? What happened to those dreams and goals? Where is my drive and motivation? What is it that motivates me?

The clean slate has its pitfalls...

This trip is going to cost too much money that I don't even have, take more risks than I'm willing to bare, and put my life on hold for more than I'm comfortable with... UNLESS the outcome is bigger than any of that. And for that I trust God. But in the forefront of my mind I am wondering if God is actually asking me to use the common sense He endowed me with and STAY HOME.

If Canada was as important to me now as it was a year ago there would be no question in my mind as to what to do: take the flight and go see what's there. But Canada isn't. I love the people dearly, but my life has moved on. I'm not sure where it's moved but it's moved. I've rediscovered my passion for aviation, realising that it is a huge part of me. Sure, I should take the flight and bring closure to that season of my life if this is the case. But where next? I've got a student loan to repay, a credit card bill that is about to be maxed out and no job or prospects (aside from a Saturday job that I just relinquished in favour of the Canada trip). So why do I do this? It's bordering on insanity. I've only just begun to feel more at home and less displaced and what do I do? Travel to Canada and probably make it worse again.

Today is a crisis of confidence day.

But having read Psalm 73 I do feel a sense of focus returning and the spiritual influence restored. Sometimes God shows us that the path that He wants us to take is often the most illogical one, and the reason why He chooses it is often to frustrate the wise and the corporeal-minded. I guess I'm looking at things from a worldly point of view today. The disappointed look that my friend gave me when I told her I was returning to Canada still haunts me. She is the one who believed in me when I didn't (and still does believe in me). Admittedly she bought me the ticket home because she felt Canada was holding me back from my true potential. Perhaps she is right...