Wow. We had a Prayer Vigil on Good Friday night from 7pm till midnight but it didn't feel like 5 hours. Kids showed up to stay for an hour and left after 2. More kids showed up than I had ever imagined. The Prayer Wall and the Prayer Tent were firm favourites for them. One parent was so overcome by the profound creativity of her son that she was moved to tears. I could understand why: There were some crosses made out of ice lolly sticks, some 3 inch nails and paper crosses on which to write your prayers. He took one of the lolly crosses and pierced it with a nail (which was no mean feat.) On the paper cross he drew a picture of Christ, pierced holes in his hands and feet, wrote "Jesus Christ crucified" and "I died for my world" and then stuck it onto the nail itself like the spear piercing Christ's side. Incredible. When we joined together on the hour to read through an Iona Prayer and some scripture he offered to read the passage. At the age of eleven and having not read aloud for over a year he bravely stepped up to read the 21 verses, with a little assistance for the words that were too demanding. He also stayed the whole 5 hours till midnight. I cannot adequately describe this experience, only give snapshots of some of the things that were going on in that place.
Who can say where time went that evening. Hours felt like minutes. We joined together for Iona Prayers then went to our other stations for the rest of the hour (prayer wall, prayer tent, meditations at the cross, mission zone, Bible zone, Passover scene, or simply the pews) and yet time passed so quickly that before we even realised it the bell was chiming the hour once more. Unbelievable and yet strangely believable.
Heaven touched Earth and none of us are the same. All my anxieties melted in that place. There were battles going on for sure - those who were more perceptive to that stuff could sense it. Felt like a raging storm within me had died down. One man prayed a prayer that those who had been grieving for too long could move on. That prayer pierced me through and through. I came away and wrote in my journal how if I could pray one prayer it would be that my words would return and all the things that come in the way of my inspiration would be taken away and that I could write objectively about the wilderness time. I basically wanted the pain of loss to ease, the huge obstacle of anger about where I am to be removed and all the anxiety about my life and my future to ebb away. Words returned. I have a new understanding about myself and I can look with new eyes upon the world.
Yesterday I was gazing out the window as the sun sank lower and saw the weather front that was forecast to bring wind and rain on the horizon. But it didn't appear to me to be 'just weather'. I was in a ship on a sea of inky blue and the bank of cloud on the horizon was an island getting closer. I remembered how much I love the sky. It was a swathe of blue/grey with a couple of horizontal beams of thin cloud. Edging closer I knew I would see it arrive before the sun set but it brought no fear or gloom in my heart to know that the clearer skies would soon be covered and the still air would soon be stirred. It was more like an excitement of anticipation. Strange that the imminence of cloud and rain would not make my heart sink like the sun. New eyes.
I am tired, of course. I had only 4.5 hours sleep that night, to be awoken at 5:30am in order to reach the church by 6 to commence the final hour of prayer. I then had a full day's work. And yet I did not feel at all groggy or wasted like I normally would. I accepted that I was tired and therefore had a limit to what I might be able to endure and so was more relaxed. My colleagues noted this also. Other days would have seen me irritable and a little spaced, but not yesterday. The other-worldly strength seemed to reign within me. It spread as well. One pilot who knew what I had been doing asked, partly in jest, whether I would pray that the radio in his aircraft, which had been playing up for the past few weeks, would work okay. I said I would and he left to fly his student. He came back a couple of hours later and informed me that my prayers had worked and that the radio worked fine for the whole flight. Incredible. Prior to this the radio had been working so badly that the other instructors had to take a handheld radio with them in order to communicate with Air Traffic Control. It would switch itself off, reset its frequency unprompted and automatically go to the emergency frequency, sometimes mid-sentence. But not yesterday.
I am excited by what God is doing here right now and looking forward to seeing the results. This vigil has changed us, unified us, blessed, commended, challenged, cleansed, purified. It seems silly that it should surprise me how amazing God is, but I guess I just needed a change of focus to bring things back into perspective again. We are in different times and no matter frustrating I have found it being back in the same village, doing the same things, seeing the same people day in and day out that I have done for the first 26 years of my life, it is not the same and I need to remember that. Objective eyes. These are what I prayed for and ultimately what helps me bring my world to yours.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Who stole my words
Hey
Long time no write. 3 months in fact. Steadily becoming less opinionated - or at least less vocal about my opinions. The wind has been removed from my sails. Life has become intense once more. Can't understand this life. One minute I'm in a country that I love, the next I'm back at a place that's far too familiar to me, surrounded by all the things I thought I'd left behind. Words at a loss. Everything that felt real and inspiring to me is suddenly not what I thought it was. People are not who I thought they were. High hopes are dashed. I'm chasing my tail once more. Seek purpose in the familiar things, but inside there is this craving for more - an unsettled aching for an adventure denied me. No, this is not "the grass is greener". It's a true deep and spectacular longing to escape the old patterns, the old ways, old habits before they consume me entirely. I refuse to succumb to the lure of familiarity. That pioneering spirit is within, wrestling to break free. There is that sense of 'Calling' to be in this place right here, but who is called - I mean really? I'm not even sure there is such a thing. Did I just settle for the next best thing? There is a sense of place here, I'm aware of that. But so much emphasis should not be put on one small thing lest it fails - and it will do quite spectacularly. So I return to routine, allow my senses to be dulled and wait for something extraordinary to happen to me. Lightning bolt of inspiration? Or someone to walk in with a machine gun to end it all? Grim thought.
But at least the words have returned.
Long time no write. 3 months in fact. Steadily becoming less opinionated - or at least less vocal about my opinions. The wind has been removed from my sails. Life has become intense once more. Can't understand this life. One minute I'm in a country that I love, the next I'm back at a place that's far too familiar to me, surrounded by all the things I thought I'd left behind. Words at a loss. Everything that felt real and inspiring to me is suddenly not what I thought it was. People are not who I thought they were. High hopes are dashed. I'm chasing my tail once more. Seek purpose in the familiar things, but inside there is this craving for more - an unsettled aching for an adventure denied me. No, this is not "the grass is greener". It's a true deep and spectacular longing to escape the old patterns, the old ways, old habits before they consume me entirely. I refuse to succumb to the lure of familiarity. That pioneering spirit is within, wrestling to break free. There is that sense of 'Calling' to be in this place right here, but who is called - I mean really? I'm not even sure there is such a thing. Did I just settle for the next best thing? There is a sense of place here, I'm aware of that. But so much emphasis should not be put on one small thing lest it fails - and it will do quite spectacularly. So I return to routine, allow my senses to be dulled and wait for something extraordinary to happen to me. Lightning bolt of inspiration? Or someone to walk in with a machine gun to end it all? Grim thought.
But at least the words have returned.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Tracks de Jour
If there was a sound track to my life the songs that would currently be playing are:
Anyway, by Martina McBride
Illustrates a great many sentiments within the desert of the past year and a sense of hope for the future that I now feel. Also something I really want to share with another friend of mine who is going through a bit of a rough patch (whether he acknowledges it or not)
Jesus, Take the Wheel, by Carrie Underwood
A classic anthem that I end up humming along to every time I'm about to go for an interview or lead the youth in an activity, acknowledging that there are no solo flights in the Kingdom. Also played as part of a thanksgiving for getting me through this past year.
Stained, by Android Lust
Something I picked up from NCIS Season 1 that's totally unique, classified as Alternative but I'd put it more like electronic-emo. It's totally wacky and completely addictive. Not so sure about her other tracks. Anyway, it symbolises my desire to become more adventurous in my musical downloads and expand my tastes, growing an eclectic collection that strays away from the Christian Muzak that dominates my iTunes.
More Than a Feeling, by Boston
I watched The Men Who Stare At Goats the other day and while I was vaguely amused by the story and zany humour (it was like Three Kings meets Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) I was totally hooked on this one anthem played within the movie. It takes me back to when I worked in the bar at the airfield and the skydivers always put on their skydiving videos that always had some awesome tracks - one of which was this one. I totally need to find it on one of my CDs and upload it to iTunes. I'm sure I've got a copy on one of those freebie CDs you get in teh Daily Mail or whatever. That and 'Don't Fear the Reaper'. Sweet.
I'm sure there are a bunch more. My life is played out in a million different songs. I haven't even begun to mention the classical ones. John Rutter's A Celtic Prayer, for example. Beeeeautiful. And I will get around to the Christmas greats of old. But you don't need to know all those for now. You're probably listening to the same ones I am.
Anyway, by Martina McBride
Illustrates a great many sentiments within the desert of the past year and a sense of hope for the future that I now feel. Also something I really want to share with another friend of mine who is going through a bit of a rough patch (whether he acknowledges it or not)
Jesus, Take the Wheel, by Carrie Underwood
A classic anthem that I end up humming along to every time I'm about to go for an interview or lead the youth in an activity, acknowledging that there are no solo flights in the Kingdom. Also played as part of a thanksgiving for getting me through this past year.
Stained, by Android Lust
Something I picked up from NCIS Season 1 that's totally unique, classified as Alternative but I'd put it more like electronic-emo. It's totally wacky and completely addictive. Not so sure about her other tracks. Anyway, it symbolises my desire to become more adventurous in my musical downloads and expand my tastes, growing an eclectic collection that strays away from the Christian Muzak that dominates my iTunes.
More Than a Feeling, by Boston
I watched The Men Who Stare At Goats the other day and while I was vaguely amused by the story and zany humour (it was like Three Kings meets Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) I was totally hooked on this one anthem played within the movie. It takes me back to when I worked in the bar at the airfield and the skydivers always put on their skydiving videos that always had some awesome tracks - one of which was this one. I totally need to find it on one of my CDs and upload it to iTunes. I'm sure I've got a copy on one of those freebie CDs you get in teh Daily Mail or whatever. That and 'Don't Fear the Reaper'. Sweet.
I'm sure there are a bunch more. My life is played out in a million different songs. I haven't even begun to mention the classical ones. John Rutter's A Celtic Prayer, for example. Beeeeautiful. And I will get around to the Christmas greats of old. But you don't need to know all those for now. You're probably listening to the same ones I am.
Friday, 11 December 2009
Great deals at Eden.co.uk / Shop Christian
I have a confession to make. I've succumbed to online shopping for my Christian stuff. But before you gasp at my serious U-turn on what was a firm principle to keep Christian Bookstores open by actually shopping in them, the online shop I use is (as far as I'm aware) Christian and, quite frankly, extremely competitive in price. Boo-yah! to Amazon, evil bookstore killers ;)
Anyway... The website for Eden is incredibly easy to navigate and very communicative. For example, it'll tell you if the item will reach you by Christmas or not, so you can avoid severe pre-Christmas anxiety by knowing before you click the 'check out' button whether your prezzies will arrive on time. Handy. You can also listen to samples of CD tracks. I was totally vegging out to my 30 seconds worth of Taize. What's more, if you spend more than £5 you'll get FREE DELIVERY!! As a valued customer I also just got a voucher for money off my next order. This site is just TOO GOOD!!
But don't be a stranger to the old-fashioned way of shopping for your Christian books either. Christian bookstores not only provide a great variety of books and goods but also have a warm, welcoming feel that acts as the hub of the Christian community between Sundays. Your local Christian bookstores need you too - especially CLC, whose sole aim is to bring the gospel and Christian Literature to remote areas of the world and, as such, relies on the sales of its books to fund its missions. Their staff are missionaries themselves, volunteering their time to keep the overheads to a minimum and the funding for missions at a maximum.
The Christian retail industry in North America has already taken a hit due to the migration of customers away from its doors and into secular stores that offer Christian literature at highly competitive prices alongside mainstream publications. The Christian Retail industry simply cannot compete with this market and has had to diversify in order to make its stores more 'appealing' and profitable. Incorporating cafes or coffee shops into their stores has been one way store-owners in the US and Canada have kept their businesses alive. In many ways they've had little choice since mainstream stores like WAL-MART and Costco started stocking vast quantities of popular books like Purpose Driven Life, Battlefield of the Mind and The Shack for hugely discounted prices - prices that Christian retailers cannot match. Add to that the availability of many titles on internet shopping sites like Amazon and you've got a recipe for the demise of the Christian retail industry.
At one point it looked as though the UK might head down the same road with shops like Tesco doing a similar thing in stocking copies of The Shack at marked-down prices. But this seems to be a one-off. Fortunately for UK Christian retailers the mainstream bookstores carry very few Christian titles, unlike their North American counterparts. However, we are already seeing the detrimental effect of the recession hit certain distributors, such as IBS-STL. The future of Wesley Owen books is hanging in the balance as a result of the financial trouble affecting the owners of STL.
So I reaffirm my plea to you: Shop Christian and keep this industry alive. Make good use of your Christian bookstore and if there isn't one local to you, use Christian internet shops like Eden.co.uk. CLC has an online shop too. Use it or lose it.
Finally, when you're looking for a Christian book pay the going rate for it. When we talk about 'worth' and 'value' our mind immediately connects it with money. But I believe many Christian books have the power to change our lives for the better. In that sense, their worth is beyond the confines of a wallet. Keep that in mind when you wonder whether you could get the book cheaper online at Amazon. Being a 'good steward' of God's resources doesn't always mean shafting the author and retailer in pursuit of the cheaper price. Consumerism and Christianity are not the best partners. Let's not sacrifice our friends for the sake of our wallets.
Anyway... The website for Eden is incredibly easy to navigate and very communicative. For example, it'll tell you if the item will reach you by Christmas or not, so you can avoid severe pre-Christmas anxiety by knowing before you click the 'check out' button whether your prezzies will arrive on time. Handy. You can also listen to samples of CD tracks. I was totally vegging out to my 30 seconds worth of Taize. What's more, if you spend more than £5 you'll get FREE DELIVERY!! As a valued customer I also just got a voucher for money off my next order. This site is just TOO GOOD!!
But don't be a stranger to the old-fashioned way of shopping for your Christian books either. Christian bookstores not only provide a great variety of books and goods but also have a warm, welcoming feel that acts as the hub of the Christian community between Sundays. Your local Christian bookstores need you too - especially CLC, whose sole aim is to bring the gospel and Christian Literature to remote areas of the world and, as such, relies on the sales of its books to fund its missions. Their staff are missionaries themselves, volunteering their time to keep the overheads to a minimum and the funding for missions at a maximum.
The Christian retail industry in North America has already taken a hit due to the migration of customers away from its doors and into secular stores that offer Christian literature at highly competitive prices alongside mainstream publications. The Christian Retail industry simply cannot compete with this market and has had to diversify in order to make its stores more 'appealing' and profitable. Incorporating cafes or coffee shops into their stores has been one way store-owners in the US and Canada have kept their businesses alive. In many ways they've had little choice since mainstream stores like WAL-MART and Costco started stocking vast quantities of popular books like Purpose Driven Life, Battlefield of the Mind and The Shack for hugely discounted prices - prices that Christian retailers cannot match. Add to that the availability of many titles on internet shopping sites like Amazon and you've got a recipe for the demise of the Christian retail industry.
At one point it looked as though the UK might head down the same road with shops like Tesco doing a similar thing in stocking copies of The Shack at marked-down prices. But this seems to be a one-off. Fortunately for UK Christian retailers the mainstream bookstores carry very few Christian titles, unlike their North American counterparts. However, we are already seeing the detrimental effect of the recession hit certain distributors, such as IBS-STL. The future of Wesley Owen books is hanging in the balance as a result of the financial trouble affecting the owners of STL.
So I reaffirm my plea to you: Shop Christian and keep this industry alive. Make good use of your Christian bookstore and if there isn't one local to you, use Christian internet shops like Eden.co.uk. CLC has an online shop too. Use it or lose it.
Finally, when you're looking for a Christian book pay the going rate for it. When we talk about 'worth' and 'value' our mind immediately connects it with money. But I believe many Christian books have the power to change our lives for the better. In that sense, their worth is beyond the confines of a wallet. Keep that in mind when you wonder whether you could get the book cheaper online at Amazon. Being a 'good steward' of God's resources doesn't always mean shafting the author and retailer in pursuit of the cheaper price. Consumerism and Christianity are not the best partners. Let's not sacrifice our friends for the sake of our wallets.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Found my wings
Feels like I'm officially back in the land of the living. It's strange because nothing's changed in terms of my employment. I'm still at the airfield one day a week, occasionally more when the shifts are available. I'm still getting phone calls from Temp agencies offering me minimum wage call centre jobs or admin assistant jobs or part time jobs, all of which are decent enough but don't exactly provide me with the greatest amount of security. I got an interview for the admin assistant job, did pretty well (I felt) but wasn't offered the position because I was over-qualified. Normally this would hit me pretty hard. After all, there are only so many rejections one can take. I did get a little upset, but picked myself back up again and carried on as normal.
But things feel different now. Not as dark. More energy. One reason I know is that I've felt more at home in the church I now attend. I've also begun doing more youth work again and the inspiration has returned. I'm brimming with ideas once more whereas before I was an empty shell wondering how I did what I did back when my life was fully focused on youth ministry. It feels so good! Is this finally where I'm supposed to be? I'm almost not so bothered by the kind of work I do as a day job now, as long as I have time and energy for the youth work. I guess I have more hope now: hope for the future. I didn't know what to ask God for but I was resisting the words of Jeremiah 29:11-13 because they're so over-used now. I was then shown the words again and, cornered, was asked "do you truly believe this?" I confessed that I did once but now it seemed sort of a cruel tease. I felt bad for no longer believing it and in my desperation cried out for God to restore my hope. He did. Peace was also restored.
Since then I've been happy to roam about the job sections without that weight of gloom, but also with a renewed sense of purpose. Needing something to occupy my time and sensing that perhaps I should do more for missions I looked at the CLC website to see what the latest news was in the Christian retail industry. I've always got a passion for their work and though it's all mission-based and therefore voluntary it's something I feel strongly about. Having rediscovered hope I felt less anxious about giving my time without financial reward. I noticed that my old haunt in Canterbury was looking for staff and wondered if I should commit some time to them once more. So I travelled in today and chatted with my old boss, Paul, and he mentioned that they were ideally looking for full time staff. Full time wasn't going to work, nor was part time this side of Christmas.
But something else he mentioned piqued my interest. A huge need was currently in the warehouse, based in Aylesbury. With the demise of a major distributor of books comes an opportunity for CLC to take on some of the distribution, which means expanding the warehouse. Already they're experiencing a huge increase in demand from both publishers and customers and as such desperately need order pickers and packers. Immediately I knew I could help fill some of this need. Logistically and financially it makes no sense because I'll have no income from this and consequently no way of living. Since I'll have to move nearer the area it would appear to be a ridiculous notion to even contemplate it. And yet, I feel so compelled to offer my services. How do the full time staff do it?? They surely must exist on prayer alone some days. That challenge, in itself, is enough to make me drop everything and go. Alas, my practical side tells me that it's not at all wise, not to mention that I'd miss the youth work I'm now involved in. And deep down I know God loves that I desire to help out, even if it's not His desire that I actually do the thing I'm passionate about (which is, in this case, moving 200 miles west for a job that doesn't pay...)
At the end of the day, as I sit here and take stock of what's been going on over the past year, I'm just thrilled that I've turned a corner and can feel such passion and motivation once more. I've rediscovered my wings. The aircraft is out of the hangar with a shiny new coat of paint and an engine overhaul, ready to get airborne. I had this image in my head last year but never truly realised it. Today I can safely say that it is here. I may not be airborne just yet but everything is starting to come together.
Yay!
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Bright Star at Ashford??
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
FINALLY. Bright Star is showing at Ashford's Cineworld for 5 days as of Friday 20th November. All is forgiven.
Pity I have no money to go and see it (grrrr... car bill). Where's a hot date when you need one.. a knight in shining armour.. a noble gentleman who wishes to woo me by taking me to the cinema..??
Oh Solitude, if I must with thee dwell.....
FINALLY. Bright Star is showing at Ashford's Cineworld for 5 days as of Friday 20th November. All is forgiven.
Pity I have no money to go and see it (grrrr... car bill). Where's a hot date when you need one.. a knight in shining armour.. a noble gentleman who wishes to woo me by taking me to the cinema..??
Oh Solitude, if I must with thee dwell.....
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Another blog
Just a quick announcement to introduce you to another blog I have created that is more about social commentary and less about my own journey.
The last posting I made on this current blog made me realise I needed another blog to vent my social issues etc, plus it also helps me focus my writing a bit more.
So eyesonthesky will continue to have my personal updates, pictures and stuff, whereas rabadash will have more general venting about life and society etc...
I'd be honoured if you followed both! (even if you don't entirely agree with the commentary on the new one..)
The last posting I made on this current blog made me realise I needed another blog to vent my social issues etc, plus it also helps me focus my writing a bit more.
So eyesonthesky will continue to have my personal updates, pictures and stuff, whereas rabadash will have more general venting about life and society etc...
I'd be honoured if you followed both! (even if you don't entirely agree with the commentary on the new one..)
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